Missing Dad

Today I realised (not that I didnt) so much that I am so lost without Dad. He would have been my greatest strenght, my pillar to fall on at times. He would quickly solve my problems and let me sleep in peace. And for all that I know, he would be carrying all my problems during his sleep. That's Dad. His worry shows at times through his wrinkled forehead, but he would hide it. He didnt want us to worry.

Sometimes I wonder if he ever knew how much he meant, and still means to me. I hardly express my love to him. That I regret now so much. Sometimes I think he knew that I cared for him, but then again, Ive never said it. What if till his last breath he never knew?

I miss him whenever I write my full name : Nazeera Hanifa... and that would be almost every other day.

I have always wondered if Ive done the right thing at the hospital on his last day. I know Ajal tangan Allah. I know that very well. But deep inside it still kills me....I didnt know If dad wanted to do the Ingogram. I didnt know if it was me suffering the attack,dad would have signed the consent letter for the angioplasty. I didnt know what the tight grip dad gave me meant for him, but for me, i held his hand tight telling him I am here with him, and tighter knowing he'll be fine. I didnt know that was his last grip. I didnt know how painful it was for him during the angioplasty, but it must be painful..very..I guess I wouldnt know the answer forever....I know Allah owns every of our soul...I didnt know why Allah placed me with dad on his last day, leaving me alone to decide...I am so grateful to Allah that I was there.....there has been no day that I asked myself all these questions....and wish Dad would answer me.

Dad
by Judy Burnette
Dad...so many images come to mindwhenever I speak your name;

It seems without you in my lifethings have never been the same.

What happened to those lazy dayswhen I was just a child;

When my life was consumed in youin your love, and in your smile.

What happened to all those timeswhen I always looked to you;

No matter what happened in my lifeyou could make my gray skies blue.

Dad, some days I hear your voice and turn to see your face;

Yet in my turning...it seems the sound has been erased.

Dad, who will I turn to for answers when life does not make sense;

Who will be there to hold me closewhen the pieces just don't fit.

Oh, Dad, if I could turn back time and once more hear your voice;

I'd tell you that out of all the dads you would still be my choice.

Please always know I love you and no one can take your place;

Years may come and gobut your memory will never be erased.